Ruining the country high.

Once in a while I lift myself right out the sand, shake my head and drop the grains as I walk to the village podium to know what’s up. This time is the hell hole which has been opened by Uhuru and co and systematic fuckery happening to our dear beloved economy.
Uhuru is a swell guy, neatly pressed suits and the stoic of a gentleman. He is the sort of chap you would request for a president anytime. If your idea of a country was a small fishing island deep in Lake Victoria. Sure, you would lose many catches to his goons, but the country’s population would be so negligible that your cache would seep back to you sooner or later. I think he keeps discovering new ways of running and ruining this country every waking moment. It doesn’t help matters that he is so stuck up that a million Gastroenterologists  could not pull his face out in time to save it from reverse digestion.
He has a well oiled publicity machinery made up of chaps who seem to have donated their conscience and souls to deep sea mantis shrimp. Once in a while they dive in to check that care is being administered but they leave them there. This explains the zeal and gusto they defend the machine with once it is implicated in yet another scandal. They have become experts in feeding the wrong information in carefully calculated timely manner. If the blatant ignorance displayed in the social media is anything to go by, they have a 101% success rate.
One chap running for a republican nomination in the U.S, Ben Carson, wants to implement a taxation plan based on  biblical tithing. Basically take economic lessons from a country whose entire G.D.P was one golden calf. This is wrong on so many levels without even going in to details. We seem to have picked a worse policy than that in the past few years. In Biblical Carson’s policy, you give ten percent and forget about it. No questions asked. Here we are giving blood, tears and sweat then spectating as our offering is mixed with dirt and blasted in to swiss accounts space.
The absurdity of it all seems to go unnoticed by the powers that be. This is is because they are the same people owning the shell corps which are being paid in billions for ghost services and products.
I could go on complaining but I am too old for this shit. I have gone back to my burrow for a snooze in the hope that I slipped in to a alternate universe and any second now I will wake up in the real Kenya.

Political Nonsense.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
Let’s talk politics, shall we? After all Americans are voting today and the TL if filled with Obama and Romney supporters who are trying a little very hard to sound funny. It’s not easy to make a joke out of something which is already a joke, so I would advise all to shun the entire political witticism and concentrate on more important matters like the position you are going to lie on your bed. It might make the difference between make and break of your feeble back. Or turning your neck like a depressed robot.
Personally, I am a big fan of politics. In primary school I was told everyone could achieve their dreams, even those of becoming a president. I did not believe it then, I believe it now.  All it takes is to have the gift of gab and many dimwits’ posses it. Ability to come up with big projects using big words helps a lot and so is the ability to explain why they did not happen afterwards. It’s that easy, that’s why you should start encouraging your 5 year old son to take up politics and look up to politicians of the day. The tricks he will learn will come in very handy in the future.
We will be going to polls come next year thanks to gifted sleeping Mpigs who fought nail and tooth, shed lots of blood, until they extended their terms for a few more months. Hence more money. Talk of selfless heroes dedicated to their bellies.
We will have a multitude of candidates, more than 20 guys seeking presidency of this small country.  Seeking to mess up the comatose economy we have. It’s a sorry state of affairs. We will have the array of choices, I pity U.S.A. They only have two prominent fools to choose from. As a voter you have a 50/50 chance screwing up, for the next four years.  We roughly have 1/25 chance of screwing up. This means that no matter who you vote for you will have screwed up in some way or another.
 I feel democracy is highly overrated.  After all Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is North Korea. You can call it Wadiya or Chosŏn’gŭl: 조선민주주의인민공화국. They have democracy in their name and lack it in everything else.  
That is why I am advocating for a new form of democracy in the near future. Leaders to be chosen in accordance with Foursquare badges! Case study. The president of Kenya will be the mayor of state house.  The conditions leading to that include but not limited to the state house being open to the public for a certain checking in period. The Nairobi governor will be K.I.C.C mayor and so on. If you catch my drift.
This will do away with unnecessary hassles which come with voting and politicking. It will actually be the end of politics.


I never classify myself as a political writer. The few pieces I have done on politics border more on absurdity than realism. They are products of a third rate blogger who wants to range on the class of first rate columnists who fill our newspaper pages with political hogwash. They give their views on anything bearing a slight semblance of politics. Some surface as experts of a scandal when a high profile politician who has ambitions which cannot be satisfied by a tax free salary and a number of allowances which total more than the salary decides to go on a democratic rampage. Using the power vested on him, he pulls up a stunt which gives political columnists unending flow of writing material. Since it is a column and not a news story, they will give their ideas and misquote rather straight and clear phrases turning them in to sinister motives. That’s why peace loving politicians who have the desire to retire as politicians should still keep the brown envelope on their palms ready for handing over to the deserving columnists in secret sinister meetings. They have the ability to kill a nice little political career. With the spirit of politics and columns, I have decided to write on a rather pressing matter which everybody is fully noticing. Since this is a blog and not a newspaper, I can go overboard without the fear of defamation or infringement of any kind whatsoever. Blogger does not have legal department.
I am talking about the hot issue of southern Sudan referendum.  I am deducing on the vested interests Kenya has on this operation. Our T.V stations are giving us minute by minute account of the weeklong operation much like the Kenyan referendum. I have nothing against the TV stations. However, I do not know why I get the feeling that Kenya is playing the big brother or to put it in layman’s language. U.S.A.  There is nothing wrong with this. We can look at the points which make Kenya join a league reserved only to Obama administration.
There is the little matter of the black gold. Southern Sudan is rich with this and greedy politicians are already envisioning the funds they will embezzle when oil becomes available next door. There are already plans for a pipeline to run from juba to lamu where a currently nonexistent refinery and a world class port will be established.  I pity the ICC hunted Omar-el-Bashir. He should have envisioned that Kenya fully supported the independence of Southern Sudan and laid blame on it.
Anyone with a memory as big as squirrels will remember the issue of hijacked ship MV Faina. Here the Somali pirates played my hero Julian Assange of Wikileaks though they were daft and unaware. Had they decided to let the ammunition laden ship sail in peace, southern Sudan would have received its supplies without any hassle. Nobody would know they were destined there. Then hell broke loose. Kenyan and Ukrainian governments started hiding the truth that they were heading to S.Sudan which is not allowed to purchase any weapons. Kenya claimed they were hers until a journalists camera spotted a RVR train transporting the same northwards. If Bashir has anything between his ears, he should have raised alarm then and decided that his country was being divided by external powers starting with Kenya and Ukraine. But i guess he is just like any other politician. Nothing between left and right ear. Kenya still poses other interests on independent southern Sudan. In a bid to be given the prestigious title multinational, Kenyan companies started flocking there even before the signs of referendum to cede it from the larger nation appeared. It’s like they have professional prophets or witch doctors in their boards. Whoever they prefer.
I also have a feeling that whoever is financing the referendum is sponsoring a losing venture. Billions of cash should not have been wasted on the project when everybody already knows the answer. No southern Sudanese national in his right mind can vote for them to remain in the larger Sudan. They have already made this clear. If there is anyone capable of not voting that way. He must be living in Kenya and went on to ignore Mututho laws. He who looks like he is high on a cheap stuff and it is not tea.
There is the possibility of rigging the votes because everybody knows this is Africa where democracy exists only on paper. It is a continent where there are multiple ways of winning elections. Were it to be a question on K.C.P.E it would go like this. Which is the best way to win an election/referendum? A.rig the votes B. steal the results C. Refuse to hand over power/country D. All of the above. This possibility should not be overruled and i sincerely hope the tallying centre is not in Khartoum. Bashir cannot let oil slip away under his watch!
With all the scrutinization of a political scientist [is it a science?!] i believe every stone is overturned and properly examined with my expert thesis. I wish my tall, dark twanging prothers and chisters [pun automatic] a peaceful referendum.