PESKY NEIGHBOURS [part 1]


I never interact with my neighbors, not because I dont like it but because my living hours are kinda conflicting. I also believe my maxim has something to do with it ‘you don’t know me, I don’t know you, what the f**k do you want from me?

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah Iā€™m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
I pull an Adam Lambert when I notice any pesky neighbor interested in my activities (most are nocturnal). They are of different age groups, a middle age bible-thumping mama. The kind which looks like your aunt from shags who has a head scarf larger than Orie Man-dooley’s [Is that a name?] There are young families with nosy wives who if provided will peep on your key-hole to see the chic you are banging for the night or the dudes sprawled on the floor after blacking out. A particular guy who lives in his room 24/7[I thought I was queer] playing annoying loud Rose Muhando songs. Another guy recently acquired a come-we-stay wife. She worries me. She is not that bright. When she came, I presume she thought that my room was tenant-less because she never saw light on it nor saw anybody creep out in the morning. So she used to leave her washing basins and detergents on my door! Five of them! The first two days I ignored them when I came in the wee hours of the night.[early morning] The third one I pushed them away hoping that would communicate to the owner that the door was no dump site. The fourth day I arrived on the normal hours [normal varies, mine is when everybody else is few minutes into his/her own sleep. They can still hear what is going on] I stepped on them with all the force I could muster and sure they made a loud noise. Without care I proceed to open my door aiming for my bed. She came faster than I expected seems like instinct whispered to her that her basins had met their untimely death. She knocked at my door and I opened. She is scrawny and tall with a prominent thin neck. I could have burst out laughing were it not for the expression on her face. Murderous! ”Unadhzani wee ni nani kukanyanga bazin syangu?……..eh? eeh mathe tulia, ckuwa nazicheki nimezistepia kwa mistake. ‘Hukuwa unaziona kwa nini? [Her voice was high pitched like malnourished weaver bird, very irritating. It can burst your ear drums] Hii ni mlango yangu cstore ya basins [I decided to get tough or else I was gonna get skinned alive] ‘Yaani uahalimbu bazin zangu na unaongea vimbaya? ” si basins tu, pia wewe ningekupata umekaa hapa ningekukanyaga kichwa.That silenced her and she left with a promise of a summon from the care-taker the next day. I told her to go to hell and I did not see her face for the next one week.
  There is my next door upwardly mobile family with a very loud irritating kid, he can cry for days on end [am serious]. By upward i mean that they live upstairs just like me and mobile means that the husband can vanish for weeks without a trace. How I knew about it can be found here. Sometimes a guy got to do what a guy got to do. This fateful day my drinking buddies, lets call them G and L, decided to have some rum in my crib and spend the night there. This is in accordance to mututho the party pooper laws. ”If you have no reason whatsoever to spend the night in the coolers, carry your drinks to your house and drink there, period” I do not know which clause this one is contained, If I knew I would quote.
As fate would have it, we had classes the next day. The one’s belonging to a lecturer who gives a C.A.T when you are absent. We could not miss it. We woke up late and hangover-ed. You could tell that from a mile away. Still were not going to miss the class. We gathered our sorry self’s, washed our faces and run out. Just before I closed the door I remembered I needed my laptop to use in the course of the day, I went back for it minus the bag because G already had it. Coming out my mobile neighbor spotted the curious black machine with punk rock graffiti on the cover. I could tell he was amazed but I was in no mood to have a chat which he tried to initiate.
Later that day when I arrived I heard a knock on my door, a very rare spectacle. I opened to find the same guy who tried to initiate a chat earlier. ‘‘nilikuona na komputa si unifungulie facebook’‘  Its rare for strangers to ask for help and the good, holy side deep inside me urged to help. ”uko na email?” ”hiyo ni?” Sh*t why did I ask.’‘ Juu niko busy saa hii,wacha nikufungulie kesho.”

The kesho never came for the next two weeks. Then he caught me completely unawares on this particular sunday afternoon. I was having my beauty afternoon nap when he knocked[I had already got used to it] This time I had no excuse whatsoever. I picked up my laptop and modem and we got in to his house. I must admit his wife is a good cook. You get to appreciate a real meal when you have been living on mabatini and noodles.Funny enough, the mail simply decided not to register. So  I have  been dodging him since then ill keep you updated

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