When a third rate blogger starts giving you ‘how to’s, you better take it seriously. Contort your sorry face like a neuro-surgeon in the middle of nerve breaking brain poking exercise, don’t you envy some careers? While yours truly is belittled by not so cleaver chaps who claim to be citizen journalists, you can never hear of a citizen neuro-surgeon. Why read some badly written piece by a dickhead citizen journalist when you can’t let a citizen neuro-surgeon poke in to your brains with chopsticks? So some professions can have the ‘citizen’ mode. A kind of thing compared a cop who lends his gun to thugs so that he can have something to investigate later when they pull up nice little murder in the middle of nowhere. This equals to a diversion from serious matters of good career and awarding the position to a quark. This is why I chose to become a citizen psychiatrist cum citizen professional counselor. This is in a bid to save the men folk for gender balance crying out loud. Valentine’s Day is the fateful day in a year when every testosterone pumped male wishes he could go in to comatose for just one day.
With the mind of a citizen psychiatrist, I have devised ways of escaping this semi-doomsday. There are many available options giving priceless tips on how to skip valentines. A break up does not have to be necessary though it comes in handy when everything else goes haywire. Here are some of them
-The first and the easiest one is to get lost. Find someplace out of town and hide your lying self there. Somewhere she won’t find even when she has the whole police force behind her. I am not saying they are the best of searchers, we all know they can take a year to find a elephant resting under a tree deliberating on how to do it. Switch your phone off or even better leave it with her on 13th. Don’t get anywhere near the internet lest you tweet some stupid thing like your location. You will be minced meat before you say tweeter. Surface on 15th looking like a starving mongrel in dire need of food for the sake of pity. It works like corruption! If this fails, wake up your marbles and put your lying expertise in to the works. Get a good lie which will embarrass the truth and you are out of the frying pan in to free air like a bird.
-Next on the line is harder but even more effective. A kidnap! Yes, get kidnapped on the d-day. Get a gruff talking friend to call her and tell her you life is in danger and she better not inform the police or anyone else for the sake of your own safety and her’s too! Surface a few days after with an emotional moving tale of how you escaped from the hands of human beasts and thinking of her gave you the will power. To sound more credible get a journalist to turn that in to a juicy human interest story. This option requires a master story teller which you are not. My advice is that don’t go for it.
-An arrest is another extremely excellent choice. Pop in to a supermarket and grab some few goodies. Proceed past the counters to the exit and all the alarms will be blaring nosily like a discordant choir. When this happens stop dead on your tracks and look like rabbit struck by head lights. A security guard will come to hassle you shoving you around. Get hostile and demand to see a real cop who can tell you what to say and what not to say. It would be an added advantage if you kicked the guard on the crotch. He will hit you back of course. Term that as an assault threatening in your loudest of voices to call you lawyer and press charges. The ensuing commotion will attract a real cop who won’t hesitate to arrest you leaving the guard. Let this piss you off completely and give the cop a hefty slap on the cheek and he will slap the cuffs on your wrists faster than you can dream it. Let your timing be precise. Cool your heels off in the coolers to let her pay you a visit and pity you. Be sure to make this happens after 14th. There is no worse situation than being bailed out on 14th to come face to face with you nightmare. You will wish you were dead.
-The tried and tested option is getting seriously ill on the day. Don’t overdo it to the point of being hospitalized. You pop your ass in to a hospital bed perfectly well and in the next five minutes there you will be really sick. Lie in your bed slightly moving and let her visit you with flowers and kisses. You will be the real winner here. You must have a rather terrifying name for the ailment; a common cold will find you at the florist’s haggling for prices of flowers which have shot over the sky in to outer space around this time. If necessary look for a good name online, something like dementia praecox malaria. Humans are afraid of what they don’t know and this will push valentine to the brain’s recycle bin.
The last option is pretty dangerous. Tell her in her face that you don’t believe in valentine and you think it was invented by florists who were experiencing economic slump down. Tell it is a sick ploy to rob money out of hardworking men rendering them broke and obsolete on 15th of February. If she is daft she will think you are a genius, if she is cleaver she will hit you with anything in sight and spit on your eyes like an angry cobra. She might decide to leave you or force you to celebrate the day. Either way, you are in hot soup.