And no, I am not mean, not in that way you are thinking. Christmas is already round the corner, the day when Christ of Nazareth was born. One of the weird characteristics of birthdays is that you give presents to the new-born. Christ does not need our earthly presents; he only needs your heart. That’s all. I fully fail to comprehend this costly habit of giving presents to fellow humans around this period. Nobody but Christ ever died for your sins on the cross. Period!
To counter that, I have come up with ways to evade gift giving to anybody. Or making the gifts suit my personal interests if I have to give them at all. The most effective way, tried and tested by the wheels of time like Christianity is a break up! Yes, you read that right, a break up and get done with her. That simple. On the Christmas Eve, when everybody on facebook is busy writing mushy Christmas messages, drop it on her wall. “I hereby take this holy opportunity to bring this relationship to a screeching halt, I am really sorry for the inconvenience caused and believe me it’s not only on your side but mine too. Have a completely merry Christmas, the break up is official, amen.” That way it will be kind enough to express overwhelming Christmas spirit. She will be actually in tears of joy when reading it. You will also have killed two warthogs with one arrow. A break up then letting all and sundry know that you are free of any shackles and ready to jump on to the next available bed, as long as it is after Christmas.
The next way is just as effective as the first one, but with higher risks and even more chances of failure. Here you need a break up with provisions of a makeup after Christmas. It highly risky to undertake it. She might decide to leave completely and you will clearly be the looser. This applies when you are madly in love but even more in love with stinginess. Here you will face her and use the cliché “I need a break, I feel like I am in suffocation because of this relationship and I need some fresh air during Christmas and we get back after.” that’s the bombshell; she might just decide to leave forever or decide there is no way she is leaving. Either way, you are minced meat.
In the next one, you do not in any way break up. You just become creative enough and avoid any instance where she stipulates what she needs on Christmas. Then you surprise her on the d-day. You get her a gift which you are the one using. Something you needed but never got the chance or the bucks to get it. Electronics as long as they are not plugged anywhere near the kitchen are perfect. Get a play station, a new Mac or x-box. Do this when you know she is not techno-savvy. You will always be using the gadgets when claiming after every ten minutes it belongs to her. Never forget to do this.
There are other ways to avoid gift giving which are just as effective. Get a sudden trip to anywhere out of town. If it cannot be possible to travel just get somewhere to hide and also make sure your phone is off. Come out after Christmas. Only one hitch is associated with this, she might demand a late Christmas gift. So you tell her merry belated Christmas.
The other option brings out pity and compassion. Get sick. See the prime minister’s office to invent for you a weird sickness which no doctor has ever heard of. Remember when pm was hospitalized? Be creative and diagnose yourself with cardio-vascular disorder of large medullar. The name itself is so terrifying that you will be wrapped with blankets and cuddled whole of Christmas.
The above mentioned principles apply to those who are sick of giving presents. Be a little more adventurous this Christmas.
- Buy Nothing Christmas (anglicanactionblog.wordpress.com)