HOW TO BE A THORN IN THE ASS


HOW TO BE A THORN IN THE ASS
Sometimes I believe that pissing off people is an inborn character. It happens to some people who have no idea they are doing it, which is pretty much bad if you are striving to be friendly. Others do it intentionally. May be for the fun of it. Other peeps are prone to be pissed off everywhere they go. Bad luck, bad mouth, bad characters seem to be on their wake. Despite that, here are some stunts which you can pull and piss off Kenyans completely.
Michael Joseph claimed that Kenyans have weired calling habits which despite being weired are shooting safaricom’s profits to the outer space. Call it beeping, flashing or not so cool acronym P.C.M.this is neither a half nor a complete call. It gives no money to service provider. Some do it in a professional way such that they will give the receiver enough time to pick the phone and look at the number then they hang up. The worst part about it is when you call back and a pisser says ‘nilikuwa nataka kukusalimia’. Due to courstesy you avoid calling the caller some unmentionables but pressing the delete key is the next action after the call.
Exaggerating the price of that jacket you have does not earn you accolades. ‘’This jacko cost me 10 k.’’ A look where the eyes seem to have acquired corners is given to you. Then a question ‘kwani imekuja na factory?’ you don’t need to answer that as it is a rhetorical, they are just trying to say you can go and dress it to a cow and help it mourn the fallen brother with some warmth.
Acquring a funny accent after flying out of the country for a week will earn you a title which is not so good. The funny thing about it is that an accent is acquired in u.s or u.k but you will never hear a Chinese or Indian accent and folks are flocking there in numbers. Then you forget Swahili and names of the streets in Nairobi. You even ask for its map like a tourist. You pick an issue with the weather claiming it’s too hot and comparing it with a winter somewhere. You have all it requires to be outcast.
Kenyans like harambees, but when only read in history books as some of the things constituting moi era. So are other types of fundraising. If you text guys inviting them to your fancy wedding committee be sure somebody somewhere is cursing under his breath. If you plan to wed, you can as well fund it. Guys will be wondering if they will be sharing the bride or bridegroom with you but there should be one thing you should not forget. Kenyans like freebies so don’t fail to invite them to the wedding even if they did not turn up for the meetings. Some few choice words will be reserved for you if you don’t.
Crazy facebook behaviors are also looked down upon. Updating your status after every 1minute will not give you strong praise of approval. Telling all and sundry you are eating, bathing or pinting and you are on the second crate will earn you less friends. As much as people are intrested in other people’s lives, they only need important bits which make sense. Doing this will only serve to enrich English language by giving it the word unfriend.
Kenyans put up with holier than thou attitude only in church, and even there they are not comfortable with it. Considering that majority of Kenyans do not go to church or do not trust it as confirmed by the recent referendum. Your attitude is better when not revealed anywhere and let the not so holy kenyans live. Interupting a queue jumper by telling him how it is good to stick to values is not a welcome intrusion. A few words of sense will be thrown on your way.

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