Insects To The Rescue.


The U.N, through Food and Agriculture Organization (F.A.O), the body responsible for all the cholesterol full thick and juicy chicken buckets you take has duly advised the world to stop this. They want every earthling to start seriously considering having insects for breakfast, lunch, supper and your midnight snack. A 200-page report, released at a news conference at the U.N. agency's Rome headquarters, says 2 billion people worldwide already supplement their diets with insects, which are high in protein and minerals, and have environmental benefits. I can attest to that as being a highly irresponsible representation of facts. A Public Service Announcement (P.S.A) is already in the offing with Eric Omondi leisurely consuming a tray of cockroaches at a Diani beach. The punch line is that soon after he steps out in the beach and reveals his now bulging biceps and belly which looks like he is smuggling a python underneath. They are that healthy. I know several facts about insects. They have more feet than they could ever use. Some like flies and butterflies have very many disturbing eyes. Insects are also prone to making creepy noises, take crickets for example. No wonder they have an Indian sport named after them. Other insects will bite and sting you for no apparent reason.
Don’t get me wrong, I got more than enough respect for insects. Here I mean insects which have the ability of methodolically increasing the mass of my head and altering the shape in a manner of seconds. In order to arrive at this I have a case study. In the backwater village I grew in there were very few bee keepers. Men of valour and gallantry who had the village beauties at their beck and call. One went on to become the village headman before breaking his spine when he fell off a tree while battling a particularly determined honey-badger. Consequentially, honey was a valuable resource. Nearly equivalent to fool’s gold. I use the word ‘fools’ here carefully, fools are everywhere so the said gold might be the real deal. I, like any other hot blooded pre-teen kid had these delusions of grandeur of hoarding my own filled to the brim drum of pure honey. I devised a plan to raid some hives in the dark of night when it is pitch black and the only intruder I can encounter is a malnourished badger.
 The first step was a series of consultancy talks on the quickest way to harvest the most honey in the shortest time possible. I eavesdropped as the adults talked about honey and bees in general taking mental notes. I gathered nothing helpful from them apart from the knowledge that they revered bees with divine-like fear. Such a bunch of losers. After realising that adults would be of no help I went for the pure and unaltered wisdom of my age-mates. They had different suggestions so it was up to me to pick out the best. The best solution came to be a process which I shall articulate in a series of steps. For a lack of a more fitting name I shall call it the Super-Naked-Man manoeuvre.
 Step 1. Find a cloak which is dark in colour, here I chose my grey blanket.
 Step 2. Get a long pole. The length depends on the distance between you and the hive. The longer the better.
 Step 3. Gather all manner of highly flammable paraphernalia capable of producing intoxicating smoke. If the smoke can suffocate you at an open air ground the better.
 Step 4. Visit the beehive at one in the morning. Be devoid of any clothing expect your cloak. This provides you with a superman spirit and bees are afraid of midget-sized supermen.
 Step 5. Drop your cloak before you commence harvesting. You will pick it up on your way out.
 Step 6. Light a huge bonfire with your combustibles directly underneath the hive. This will achieve two purposes. First it will scare off the owner of the hives. Seeing a naked midget brightly lit on your property at the dead of the night is a highly disturbing sight. Secondly, the smoke produced will stun the bees. Some will recover from the shock and flee. The rest will fall unconscious at your feet. A few lucky ones which might want to sting you will not be able to. You are the super naked man. Bees are afraid of you.
 Step 7. Harvest the honey without any intrusion.
 Step 8. Pick up you cloak and your honey and go home proudly whistling the popular tune of the time. Go get a beautiful sleep. Tomorrow you will join the ranks of village heroes.
 It is suffice to say that step 6 was incomplete and step 7 and 8 did not happen when I undertook the delicate process. They were replaced by extremely painful stings which altered the shape of my body for more than a week. Were it not for the owner who I was depriving of his honey I would have been dead meat in a manner of minutes. Bees are vicious creatures that are very determined in protecting what they produce. They don’t take lightly of Super-Naked-Men. They sting them with conviction with the aim of killing them on the spot.
I classify hornets in a much worse category than bees. Scientifically it is the order Hymenopetra. This in layman terms means that hornets, including wasps, do not produce anything edible. Therefore they have no reason whatsoever to deface every Tom, Dick and Harry who comes near their nest. They have nothing to protect. This does not stop them though. They will inject powerful stings on different parts of your skin until at last you look like a walking hot-air balloon. I happen to have real life experience of this after chancing upon some small industrious wasps when I was young enough to go hill climbing. They also happen to be very fast having born equipped with impulse engines under their wings.
Do not get me started on ants and their queer ant hills. It is common knowledge that ants live a symbiotic relationship with dangerous and highly poisonous snakes like cobras and black mambas. In a memorandum of understanding (MoU) signed eons ago before the emergence of Homo Erectus by King Cobra and Queen ant, snakes will always protect ants from humans and in return ants will feed snakes their prisoners. Highly understandable. Visiting a anthill to gather ants is a huge risk. You never know when a constrictor hiding behind the bushes will slither up to you and crush you.
As you can see, insects are highly dangerous creatures not to be taken lightly. If FAO is serious about the suggestion it should form a special police unit responsible for hunting insects or they will wipe out mere mortals like you and me.

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