BUDGET AND TAXATION AS THEY SHOULD BE

Sometimes back I filled this online form from ministry of finance. I can’t remember the link but if you visit GOK’s website you might find it or it has disappeared like everything else useful under control of a politician. Apparently, Uhuru Kenyatta needed my help in distinguishing what is important for Kenya and what is not. In my view, I told him I needed cheaper gizmos, veeery cheap Macbooks and imacs and a particular Nikon professional photography camera I need should be given out for free. I told him to sneak in to Mombasa port and give an order that those items should be exempted from taxation. Then I signed off with a blinking happy ka-face. He did not have the courtesy to send me a thank you email or ring me up and offer me a cup of coffee at Java which I would definitely decline owing to my good manners.
I, like any other Kenyan sleep through the budget reading when am watching it on TV taking the cue from mis-honorable Members. I only wake up to realize that the price of the good old beer has been increased and also that of cancer sticks. See how budget is predictable?  Why can’t they let beer be? We already have enough shit from Mututho though a brilliant court has decided to suspend the law after KBL took it there. They also exempt tax from foodstuffs because every year food shortage in Kenya coincides with budget reading. I think my heart attack will come in the year when this will not happen. I guess yours too.  After all the advice we the online Kenyans have given to Uhuru, he is hesitant in tabling the budget.
This has been brought about by one huge reason; the government does not have enough money. There is a mantra every finance minister adopts when he takes the office. “The budget will forever grow and in every year”. As stupid as it looks and sounds, it is actually true. No budget has ever been lesser than the previous year’s, at least since I knew what a budget is. What Uhuru needs right now is more money from you, the taxpayer. Because he and the government will use that money to create jobs and raise your living standards. They assume that you don’t know how to use the money, like you might go throwing it onto oncoming vehicles. Am not saying some of you can’t. In the end the government will have billions extracted from you. Dude you are rich, very rich, but the good old government has made you poor. The government does not know how to spend this money. Any intelligent organization would have problems budgeting billions and we all know government does not range anywhere near. So they end up wasting your money on useless trips overseas and hefty dinners. One reason why they can’t help but sleep when parliament. This year the government needs your help. You have not been giving KRA enough to sustain the budget.
There are two kinds of people in kenya, people who pay more to the government than they get from it (taxpayers); people who get more from the government than they pay to it (or pay it nothing)(members of parliament, the president, vice, prime minister and their cats and dogs) I am afraid you are a taxpayer and you will always be paying the government. The government believes taxation is the greatest thing ever invented apart from ballot papers. If it was not God would not have allowed creation of KRA. 
This year I want you yo be patriotic, give more to KRA, I am not saying you lie in your tax forms. But let them have more than they actually do. A few of you will get refunds but what is afew compared with all of you?  You will not only help Uhuru have a budget of his dreams (because next year around this time there is a high probability he will be rotting in prison) but also you will create more jobs for your fellow countrymen and give your MP a more comfortable sleep in parliament and an even bigger tummy. Thank you. Patriotic Kenyan.

WHY MEN CAN NOT DO ANY CONSTRUCTIVE HOUSEWORK

Since time immemorial, men have been known to be allergic to housework. It all started with the primitive man by the name Zinjathropus. Son of Kate Zinja and Samuel Thropus.A primitive but highly liberated couple who used to spend their time in their dark cave eating raw brontosaurus meat and thinking of new ways to make babies because Zinjathropus was one wayward son who they assumed had an IQ of 36 but actually it was his brilliance that made them confused as we are going to see later.  The family’s cave like their neighbors was extremely dirty, littered with old brontosaurus bones, walls mis-decorated by primitive animal drawings which were done by Zinjathropus when the parents went out on a dinner. This is how he came to be known as the father of primitive, medieval and modern art. He was Leonardo da Vinci’s mentor. It happened one day that his parents were viciously attacked by an angry Trynossorous Rex when they had its daughter for sacrificial purposes and the remains for breakfast.  They died a terrible death because the village doctor was on holiday in Zanzibar. He was later fired. 

Now it was Zinjathropus and the world alone. He decided to get married. Cro-Magnon was a beautiful daughter belonging to Billy Cro and Anne Magnon. They died on a fishing accident and their bodies have never been found.  They were a very clean and highly tidy couple who passed the genes to their daughter Cro-Magnon. When she got married to Zinjathropus she was shocked to find the cave in such a mess. She nearly divorced Zinjathropus even before the marriage was consummated which was something Zinjathropus had been dreaming about since his birth. That is when housework was born.
Zinjathropus cleaned and scrubbed the cave while Cro-Magnon watched in awe. A highly chivalrous move which should be embraced by the modern men who wish to consummate their unions every day. Though Cro-Magnon stayed due to this and the marriage was consummated, Zinjathropus was not happy. The housework had left him tired and feeling highly female. But he had invented a disaster and housework had to be done every day. Cro-Magnon of course expected him to do everything. That is when his thinking part of his brain was activated, he suddenly started inventing stuff. This is how the conversation was every morning.
Cro-Magnon: Say honey, how about staying in the cave and doing the housework?
Zinjathropus: I can’t dear; remember I have fire to invent
                                                -Or-
Zinjathropus: I would love to but I still have to invent some language we can write in
So Cro-Magnon found herself doing every bit of housework till it became a tradition. 
Since then men have been coming with new ways of how not to do housework. For example becoming members of parliament, pastors, attending meetings, take power naps until they found the perfect excuse, BUSSINES! They always say they have some business to attend to in the morning and they go away to sleep in the office or factories till evening when every bit of work has been done by a woman. Sadly, since middle ages a chunk of women which is growing bigger everyday developed housework phobia like men. They are still yet to find an excuse for not doing but they have a lean on while the one’s with higher IQ think of something. PREGNANCY!

Politics of foolishness: Why Ruto, Uhuru are against the CJ nominee

Swahili have this saying that “Kila soko ina wenda wazimu wake’ loosely translating to that every market has its own mad men. If you have Kenyan parliament as a market, you will have (mis) Honourables Ruto and Uhuru as the resident mad men. Remember when Sonko went to the house with a stud, stunners etc. Ruto was among those who supported him saying that every one has the right of dressing in whatever he/she likes anywhere.

Then here comes the CJ nominee, one great activist Willy Mutunga who spots a stud for personal reasons. This means if you don’t like it you can fuck off and keep your blabber mouth shut. Ruto doesn’t like it, not because he has anything against it, if given a chance he would spot a real ear ring. The problem is that he and his dear friend Uhuru still think the mass murder cases waiting for them at the Hague will miraculously be tried by a local tribunal. Sorry peeps, that ain’t gonna happen in any way. If by a great unforgivable mistake this happens, they hope the CJ will be one of those High court and Appellate judges who answer by the second name of corrupt machines. They have been doing it since their appointment to their individual posts and they hoped to stretch it to the highest office. Kudos JSC for averting the disaster. It’s time judiciary came at par with all the other arms of government and it’s time politics stayed in parliament not courts.

Ruto and Uhuru should listen to their lawyers, you know, silence is also golden.Why are they making it too obvious for everybody? Even my late grandma can stir in her grave and say they have pea sized brains.

And in other news making headlines, Samuel Wanjiru was one great athlete who failed to master what every Kenyan man worth the name has already done. The art of cheating. There are  unwritten rules which everyman should know e.g You don’t lay a clande in the matrimonial bed when missus is around, somebody will die among three of you. And he did. It’s a shame to all penny less men out here like me, if a millionaire like you can make such a grievous mistake, what about us? And don’t you think it was extremely early for you to tie the knot? 18 bwana? Kuwa serious but R.I.P.

Beautiful lie

‘As my days on this earth go by, I can see the earth following me in to grave’ the words of mzee Kangu commenting on the disturbing issue of climate change. Mzee Kangu is 84 years old. He is deeply disturbed by climate change even more than his learned children and grandchildren. He worries for the future. The future in which he will not be alive. He worries for the generations to come, his grand children and their children. How they will survive. For an African old man of his age, he is highly informed. I corner him in his favourite spot on his veranda listening to a pocket radio broadcasting on his native language. He informs me he does this to keep up with the world. He is highly versed on the current affairs. You can see worry lines all over his face as he watching bright orange sun setting. ‘I think we are killing our own sun’ he says. He is wearing a black cotton trouser and a tweed jacket with a bright yellow scarf over his neck to keep him warm. He gives me a long questionable look which makes me highly uncomfortable and then offers me a seat. 
‘My grandson there are many things you have not seen in this community of ours, you were born yesterday when everything was already dead. We still continue to kill. You can see all these hills surrounding us which are barren and rocky. They have not been always like that. When I was a boy and a young man your age we used to go hunting there. They were our lively hood. It had always been like that for generations which were there before us, but it will never again be so. We kept livestock in large numbers. Pasture was plenty in the valleys because the hills had impenetrable forest cover. Wild animals resided in the hills and hunted just enough for our survival. Otherwise we co-existed peacefully. We would call our dogs every morning then equip ourselves with bows and arrows. Our families would be waiting for a meal at supper time and we delivered. Then large scale farming was introduced. Food became even more plenty and diverse. The weather was favourable. Like a drying tap, drop by drop the forest cover began its death. Folks cleared land for farming and grazing. First the valleys because we still regarded the forests as sacred. Then the fear slowly receded. An ignorant generation came of age. Highly powerful machinery with hunger for land was introduced. They started eating in to the sacred forests. Still this did not finish our forest cover. Nobody would have thought one day our forests would be barren
.
Then a disaster struck. People saw the potential of the money out of forests. Modernization brought about constructions. The constructions needed materials which came from our forests and rivers. They began harvesting timber for construction of buildings. They were not planting any. The government was doing nothing about it and it’s only recently that it has risen to defend already dead forest. With wood they also harvested sand from our rivers running from the forests for making concrete. Rain water began washing away our farms of the top soil into the rivers but that was not enough. They continued harvesting the sand. Big trucks used to travel from the city to this place in large numbers. Ferrying sand to the city to feed its hunger for construction. As if that was not enough, enterprising businessmen from other counties set up a saw mill at the edge of forest. They called it development, I called it grave. It is no longer functional and owners have long left our place after stripping us naked.

The rivers developed gullies from the hills to the valleys. The farms became barren after washing of the top soil. Nowadays they are not in any way useful. What we have are barren rocks for farms. Nothing survives there.
Then weather patens started shifting and changing. They called it global warming on the radio. For the first time since I saw the light of this planet, we experienced a full scale drought and famine. Human and animal souls perished before the government came to our rescue with relief food which was barely enough. It was called la Nina. A period filled with great suffering. As if that was not enough, El Niño followed. What commenced as a blessing twisted in to a catastrophe. We seeked refuge on the hills because the lowlands were submerged with water. Many people perished in the floods and only the strong survived. Once again the government with the help of international community came to our rescue providing clothing and foodstuffs.
Since then things have never been the same again and they will never be. Weather patterns have been inconsistent and unpredictable. We expect rain when we see it. In the old days there were rainmakers who predicted the weather patterns and seeked rain. I highly doubt if they would bring any change nowadays. Many a time’s farmers till their land and burry seed on the barren soil only for the rains to fail. The forests used to provide rain for us. Now they are planting few seedlings but the glory is gone. They can never replace it. The seedlings die within few weeks because there is no moisture to sustain them. My heart feels with sorrow when I walk freely on the barren land which years ago I struggled to penetrate through.
Water is essential for human survival. When I was young we never used to worry about it. You could dig a well on your compound and within a few feet find enough water supply for whole community. The rivers flowed with clear life giving water. The rivers no longer exist because the catchment where they originated from was destroyed by humans who are now suffering. They were replaced with deep dry gullies which are a health hazard. People perish when they happen to fall in any of the dangerous gullies. The remaining river in our community runs only when rains fall. It is only a trickle which is dirty and unfit for humans or animals. The young and women have to travel far and wide in search of elusive water. A phenomenon I never experienced when I was young. I never saw it in my wildest of dreams. 
My time here is nearly over. My peers no longer live. Creator spared them the agony of seeing this and I cannot imagine how lucky they are. Many perished due to the changes. A great chunk died during the El Niño and la Nina. I do not know why I still survive, may be to tell you this and you pass it to the next generations. Tell them the disasters will not cease. Mother Nature is angry with humans for destroying the earth shamelessly. She won’t stop expressing the wrath on defenceless humans. They even make innocent animals suffer the wrath.
I spent my time listening to radio now that I have nothing else to do and nowhere to go. I have heard that global warming has caused the arctic ice to melt. Ocean water levels are rising all over the globe. This poses a major risk to low lying lands and small islands. Already different parts of the world are experiencing it. From what i predict the floods in Australia and other parts is just a tip of an iceberg. With the ice shelf disappearing, the Eskimos living there lack livelihood and I think right now they are no better than us in the tropics.
I have also heard that the big countries are rising to find a solution but they are not doing much of a progress. They are responsible for the carbon emissions destroying our ozone layer hence unleashing the wrath of the sun on us. They are meeting every now and then in order to find a solution to save a perishing earth but it is a lie. A beautiful lie. Because they always fill us with hopes that they are going to find a solution. They never do. I fear that soon enough it will be too late to apply patches when and if they find one. From what I hear, they are adamant in their refusal to cut their carbon emissions. I also understand that if our forests still survived, the problem would not be much a big one. They would absorb the emitted carbon and the ozone would still be intact.
If the ice shelf continues disappearing at the rate it is we will soon have no reason to live. I always feel that they can come to a compromise for the sake of humanity. But they are far away from my village. Fellow villagers are dying due to hunger because the forests were destroyed when many were not even born. Here I can’t think of a suitable solution to our problems. I will soon be dead my grandson, I cry for you, your generation and others to come. By the time you will be of my age the earth will be no longer habitable. Time to act is now’
(Inspired by 30 seconds to marsby their song beautiful lie)

KENYAN CRISIS:(FUEL etc) WHO SOLVES, WHO AGGRAVIATES

It commenced with high fuel prices coupled with high cost of living. This has been going on for a while. Guys keep talking about it but they are actually doing nothing. Those dimwits who spent their afternoons in chambers of parliament keep enlarging their potbellies while cellulite fills up the women folk. They get the highest wages yet they know no taxman who takes what is legally yours before you get it in the name of strengthening the economy; well it is now going downhill at unstoppable speed while you get peanuts.
Today and yesterday has simply been nightmare for motorists. The petrol stations are completely dry. You should have seen the faces of guys queuing for fuel at shell, Kenyatta Avenue. It was simply pathetic and horrendous. There was a queue of cars stretching from valley road the last time I checked and it kept growing. What is the Energy minister kiraitu Kiatu Sura Mbaya doing about this? He said KPC has enough fuel reserves and Kenyans should not be worried. Mr. Minister, we are past worrying and it is much worse than simply worrying, we are dying. Where is the fuel KPC is storing? 
A guy working in industrial are earning 300/= per day is spending ¾ of it on transport because the few matatus available have tripled the fare. But he/she must work in order to survive, working for transport. I guess you and your fuel guzzler are fairly comfortable. Those reserves you are talking about might be in your own house.
KPLC has increased the charges even when they keep limiting the power. Apparently, KENGEN has noticed that water level in major dams is decreasing. Decreasing my foot! It is fucking raining sons of bitches and if anything the water should be increasing. This is a conspiracy to rip Kenyans of their hard earned cash when it is even not enough to see you through the thirty day before the pay check. Mr. Kiatu Sura Mbaya again, do you have any explanation for this?
Tomorrow (or today) COTU is going to march on the streets demanding a pay rise. I comment Francis Atwoli for this. Those dimwits skived Labor Day celebrations including our timid president and the right honorable prime minister. By the way what does ‘the right honorable’ mean? Why can’t he just be honorable like others? Does he have a special allowance because of the special title? Special my ass. 
The workers under COTU should not be alone in this, everybody should come out and we start liberation of our country. We have witnessed it in Tunisia, Egypt and it is going on in Libya and Uganda. Why don’t we come together for our sake and sent these assholes parking? It is high time we took the initiative. 
We lie down and burry our heads in the sand like ostriches and we continue to suffer. Our MP’s will never help us and everybody knows it. We are the only solution to this

THE EFFECTIVE WAY TO CURB SMOKING (FIRECRACKERS)

 

Don’t you get annoyed when you sit in a matatu and the idiot on your side who is actually the driver lights up a cancer stick? It is pretty much annoying and you threatened to embark from the matatu unless he puts it off. This is not very effective. There are guys without enough balls to tell him off and they may end up having cancer in the long last when they have never bought any cigarette in their whole damned life.
Cigarettes have this warning on the side of the pack which tells you it is harmful for your health. Highly daft message. They assume the would be smoker would do this
SMOKER (To shopkeeper) Gimme a pack of cigarettes
SHOPKEEPER: Here smoker
SMOKER (Notices the warning label on the side) Ooohhh! Thank God I have seen this warning. Cigarette smoking is harmful to my health let me throw them away (Throws the pack away and walks on whistling and happy)
This will never happen anywhere on this earth. We need something stronger, something bigger, to banish the unwanted sick smoke from our lives and maybe we can live longer. They should have a legislation which allows your spit some phlegm on the face of any person smoking near you. Then kick him/her on the crotch whether male or female.
This is not highly effective because chances are that they will spit back on you or kick you back. While the kick might not be highly severe, trust me you don’t want a smoker’s saliva or phlegm on you. 
Here is the most effective way. The government should instruct cigarette manufacturers or Kenya Bureau Of Standards (KeBS) to install firecrackers on random cigarettes. Then they announce it on national T.V, radio and print to all smokers and would be smokers. It would be a matter of being jinxed if you buy the cigarette containing the firecracker. It would blast on your face and leave you wondering whether your heart will ever beat again and if it does you become cigarette-phobic. Am I not a genius?!